you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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