so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
