Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
