You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
