were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
