no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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