i don't plan on having that self control this summer
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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