I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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