sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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