I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
