I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
