I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
