thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
