I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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