The maid of honor just puked.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
