I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
