i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
