I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize