Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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