my vag is so smooth its legendary
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
