1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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