just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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