She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
