1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
