At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
