I'm eating all of the evidence.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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