i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
