Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
