That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
