I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
