here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
