I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
