I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
