Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
