im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Two words: blizzard sex
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
