don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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