In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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