but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
