I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
