i need an iv and a liver transplant
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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