I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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