haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
