It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
