Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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