My room smells like vodka and shame
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
