I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
