we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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