you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
