it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
