I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize