ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
