he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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