If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
