you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
