You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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