Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
