If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Blood and glitter go together right?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
