this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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