My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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