You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I enjoy the company of your penis
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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